Shame play in context

In Yukimura style shibari, we often discuss “shame” as a core element of a rope scene.  In Japan, the concept of shame carries a different connotation than it does in the west. In most western cultures, the concept of shame implies a sense of humiliation, inflicted upon someone from the outside. Brene Brown, an academic shame researcher, defines it this way:

“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”

Ruth Benedict, in her classic work The Chrysanthemum and the Sword, famously distinguished Japanese and Western cultures based on a distinction between shame and guilt. While that research has been heavily scrutinized and debated, the basic differences are still considered to be core elements of Japanese and western culture.

Hazukashii

The notion of shame we play with in Yukimura style shibari derives from the Japanese notion of hazukashii, which is often translated as “shame” or “embarrassment” and can carry a sense of anything from a very playful feeling of exposure to much deeper feelings of emotional pain.

It is important to understand the context in which the word is used in Yukimura style shibari. Hazukashii, for Yukimura, focused on the playful experience of being exposed and made to feel vulnerable. It is always intended to be playful, never harmful.

Most important, and what make hazukashii different from western notions of humiliation or shame, is that is a feeling that emerges internally rather than being imposed from the outside. It is a sense of being caught letting your feeling slip out into the open, especially if those feelings are about pleasure or eroticism.

Unlike Brown’s notion of shame being about flaws, unworthiness, and a lack of connection, hazukashii is about the showing your partner a part of yourself that usually remains hidden and, in that sense, it is an act of intimacy.

In Japanese culture, there is a subtle prohibition about expressing one’s feelings too directly or too blatantly, and hazukashii is the moment when you are caught doing exactly that, letting the mask slip just a little bit to reveal what you are feeling or thinking. It can be hard for us in the west to understand exactly what this means, but we have instances where does happen.

Shame play in shibari

Imagine a time, perhaps at the beginning of a romantic relationship, where your partner calls you on the phone.  You see their number pop up and you get a feeling of excitement. At that moment a friend notices your response, your giddiness, perhaps a bit of blushing.  They can sense your excitement and they tease you about it, perhaps saying “Oh, look!  Someone has a crush!” You blush more and tell them shut up, not denying the truth of what they have said, perhaps even enjoying the fact that your emotions are obvious to them.

In that sense, you’ve been caught and exposed. It is not an unpleasant feeling, but it is somewhat embarrassing. You’ve shown more than you thought. Maybe you think, “Oh, is that really how I look to them?” It is coming from within, all they have done is point it out and name it.

This is the feeling we aim for in Yukimura style shibari and we find it through a process of engagement, tying, observation, and comment.

The shame we want the person being tied to feel is one that brings them closer to us and shows us a part of them that otherwise may remain hidden.